You may think that, given the state of the economy and a dozen other uncertainties that youth today seems simply unable to ignore, a teen such as myself might have some inkling of her greatest fear. And, to be clear, I do: getting stuck under clear ice with a shark and Neil Diamond blasting- now that scares me. Random. I am aware. But one fear has lingered in my mind now, for nearly a year. Not the kind that the media projects in every medium imaginable. Nor the type that strikes you when eating an orange mocha frappucino. No, my friends, this is the kind of fear that wakes you up at night, screaming from dreams of angry amish people and highly erratic celebrities. This is real. This is...
Yes. My Dad is reading Twilight.
Looking back, I really should have seen it coming. While the movement of Twilight guys has been in motion for only several months now, this one has been barreling toward me since the day I picked up that cursed book. See, in our family, inside jokes are as numerous as the hair my pathetically endearing bulldog scatters about the house. Anyone who cannot decipher the word "Tuna!!??" in such a context as we use it would find themselves very out of place in the Nowakowski home. So developed the quandry of Twilight. See, when you've been through hundreds of pages of the most idiotic heroine since volume one Sue Storm (and the other, far more interesting characters she associates with), you start finding certain things inexplicably funny. The name Edward. Switzerland. Silver volvos. You get the idea.
So a while back, he started to read it. That ended with the back cover. Which, consequently, had been the reason I didn't read it the first time around either. But if you read the newspaper, watch tv, or simply have an irritating acquantice with my level of interest in the series, you've probably noticed- Twilight has hit the radar, hard. It knocked Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows off the New York Times Bestseller's list. The first movie comes out in December. And honestly, its understandable that- even at risk of the romance this novel appears to be dripping with on every page- something's gotta give. You just can't be out of the loop forever. And who really wants to walk into the theater with all the suckers just catching a teenybopper flick? So my Dad is reading it. Now, the community of Twilight Guys online appears to be made up of two groups- boyfriends of Twilighters, and extreme exceptions who you would never expect to have any motivation to pick up a book about a girl and her supernatural BF and BFF. Never. A. Dad. So this could be a first, or at least, the first I've heard of.
But for a Dad, I must admit, I am impressed. Twilight falls into several categories that can really go either way; rarely settling in a middle ground. Romance.....sucks. Who needs it? Vampires.....well, after reading Interview with the Vampire, I can see that Twilight will never reach that mark. Yet, even as I feverishly proclaim my hate infinite for Edward (ultimate abusive boyfriend), Esme (why the heck is she even there?) and most of all, Bella (need i say anything?), something keeps us coming back to know what happens next. And until the day a nuclear bomb hits Forks and spares us all the misery of Izzy's pathetic narration, we are at the mercy of the sequels to come.
What do I mean by all this?
Well, hey- even Lois didn't beat him to this one. My DAD. Reading TWILIGHT. Before my teenage schoolmate.
And to my readers, a thousand rogue vampires and an ill-working pickup truck plague you, and may the good Lord save you!